4:30 AM
This morning I woke up at 4:30.
My alarm was set to wake me up two hours later, but my internal alarm clock told me I was done sleeping.
Years ago I would wake up every weekday at 4:30 to write.
This wasn’t my idea.
I once watched an interview with an author I admired. Before he became a full-time writer he would wake up and write for two hours before starting work.
I thought I should do the same.
I did.
For awhile.
Every morning my alarm would go off at 4:30 and I wondered if I really wanted to be a writer.
Tiredness, fear, self-deprecation, and comparison fought to keep me beneath the sheets and far from my dream of being a writer.
But I’d roll out of bed and tell myself I’d sleep in tomorrow.
Only to do it all over again the next morning.
I’d sit at my wobbly Ikea desk and watch the sun peak through the trees as I attempted to spill words across a document.
I thought that season of my life was over, but perhaps it is making an unwelcome return.
.. .. ..
With December’s arrival I decided to begin jotting down dreams and goals for 2021.
Every new idea was written with a bolded question mark.
Book #3?
New spoken word album?
30+ YouTube videos?
As You Go Devotional?
As You Go audiobook?
Finish Story/Hope book?
Non-profit?
Try out for the NBA?
Another dog?
Uncertainty will be the hangover I try to cure as the calendar flips from December to January.
Because of the year we’ve had I am hesitant to dream.
I’m exhausted.
Not because I woke up at 4:30 (but also because I woke up at 4:30), but because this year has drained me and led me to wonder what is to come.
Maybe that’s just the noise in the back of my mind.
Truthfully, the noise continues to grow loud.
Doubt has crept in.
Fear keeps yelling.
Anxieties continue to amplify.
Comparison has caused confusion.
Insecurities have welcomed me day after day.
The noise is an uphill battle.
With slippery rocks beneath my feet.
And it’s dark.
And I am hungry.
Plus, my knees hurt.
Noise is the annoying enemy that won’t stop.
I’ve tried everything to overthrow it.
I have attempted to ignore the noise and walk the other direction.
I have yelled back.
I have pushed back as I have tried to press forward.
But these approaches only “worked” for so long.
Recently, I’ve found a new way to combat the noise:
Celebration.
When we turn frustration into joy the noise becomes music.
Celebration isn’t ignoring the circumstances, but choosing to find the good in all that has come to be.
After all, there is good in all of this.
There is good in the waiting and wondering.
There is good in the uncertain and unknown.
There is good in the pain and panic.
Sometimes it’s hard to see, but celebration brings balance and clarity.
Now, as I begin looking back on 2020 I am starting to see how this was one of the best years I’ve had.
I was challenged. Again and again.
I adapted. Again and again.
I grew. Again and again.
Slowly I am beginning to believe small steps are worth celebrating.
They are.
And small steps are how I will enter 2020.
Small faithful steps forward.
.. .. ..
It’s time to get to dreaming about the future.
Today will be different than yesterday.
And tomorrow will be different from today.
The past cannot keep me from dreaming about the future.
And the unknown future cannot keep me from hoping and praying and celebrating in the present.
2021 will be here before we know it.
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