I Have No Idea What I'm Doing
by Tanner Olson
writtentospeak.com

If I’m being honest, I have no idea what I am doing.

When I confess this to others they nod their heads.

They’ve known for a while that I have no idea what I am doing.

But then they tell me they also have no idea what they are doing.

This makes me feel less alone, but then I wonder, are all of us lost?

Do any of us know what we are doing?

Are we all just stumbling forward hoping to not fall flat on our face?

What about those who look like they know what they’re doing?

You know, those with fancy clothes and briefcases and cars that shine.

My car doesn’t shine.

Are these people fooling themselves?

Are they tricking us?

They must be.

I hope I’m not tricking myself.

If I’m being honest, I feel like a mess. 

I’ve got stains on every shirt and holes in every sock.

Steps forward feel like steps back.

Every answer comes with another question.

Plans fall through while dreams become something new.

At night I try to pray, but halfway through I begin thinking about something else I have to do.

In high school we were never taught that no one knows what they are doing.

Not once did a teacher stand up in front of us and say, “No one knows what they are doing.”

Can you imagine if they did?

My high school math teacher told us we needed to show our work and that calculators would not always be available.

What did she know? 

I now carry a calculator in my pocket. 

It’s connected to my phone and my phone is connected to the entire world. 

I should have taken an improv class because I am just making it up as I go.

Are we all just making it up as we go?

My history teachers taught us about what was behind, not what was ahead.

And most days I just want to know what is ahead.

Maybe then I would have the slightest idea as to what I am doing.

But we can’t see the future, so we are left looking at the past while being right where we are.

We can only be right where we are.

When I turn around and look back I see the scars and surprises and stories.

I see mistakes and miracles and moments I’d never want to erase.

I also see how I’ve been carried every step of the way.

I see how God has been faithful through it all.

He has been loving and patient and gracious.

He has been good and merciful and kind.

Although I may have no idea what I am doing, I trust He does.

He has always been great at making something beautiful out of a mess.

With hope,

Tanner Olson
@writtentospeak

About the Author

Tanner Olson is an author, poet, speaker, and podcaster living in Nashville, Tennessee.

He is the author of I’m All Over the Place, As You Go, Walk A Little Slower, and Continue: Poems and Prayers of Hope.

You can find Tanner Olson’s books on Amazon.

His podcast is The Walk A Little Slower Podcast with Tanner Olson and can be found wherever you listen to podcasts.

Tanner Olson travels around the country sharing poetry, telling stories, and delivering messages of hope.

You can follow Tanner Olson on Instagram (@writtentospeak) and Facebook where you’ll daily find encouraging words of faith and hope.